Sunday, May 25, 2014

Envious

We all have a family that we love and our framily that is just as important in our lives.  To have the complete package can be quite the redeeming factor when you're feeling down or just need companionship, they will be there for you, regardless of your history.

Family is traditionally defined as a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children.  Take note that is says parents, not parent.  My upbringing consisted of being raised by a parent, not parents.  My father had a very minimal role in my life, by his own choosing.  In fact, anyone reading this blog has had more of an impact in my life than the interaction I have had with my own father in my lifetime.

A recent moment of interaction brought me to tears, listening to a friend talk about how her father is always there for her, they can do anything together, talk about anything, and just be herself with him.  The relationship goes both ways, when he views her friends as part of his family as well, even jokingly, he meant every word of it.  To be witness to that kind of fatherly love, literally took me to tears in the middle of a restaurant in a casino. 

That moment took me back to the many times when I attempted the connection with my father that usually ended up in failure, even going out of my way to give contact information, canceling plans to attempt to meet up, to keeping this dream alive that maybe someday somehow we would actually form a connection of a bond.  I mean, I do resemble the man physically but mentally, I am nothing like him at all.

Seeing that special moment, sparked envy, sadness, and relief all at the same time.  I was completely envious of the moment, sad that I have never experienced, yet relieved because I am who I am now partially due to the lack of a father figure in my life so I should not envy something that could have potentially changed who I am today, who I am very proud of.

My framily means just as much to me as my own family.  I know there are certain people I can call / text / drive to and they will be there regardless of the situation whether it's good or bad or against their advice, I still receive their support and love.  Love is not a word I use often when it comes to describing relationships and how I feel about people, if you ever hear me tell you I love you, embrace the moment because it takes so much to earn that the right to hear that four letter word from my lips. 

Envious yet full of a great life.  One wonders what might have been, then living in the free world, I carry on smiling due to who I am and I am satisfied.

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